A Developing Integrationalist

you don't look like a monkey and you're not one too...

2008-06-09T12:04:00.003-05:00

Today is my gurl's birf day. Give yo shout outs.

holla back at the 25

Gone But Not Forgotten

2008-05-16T15:58:00.005-05:00

Dallas was a good city to us. We met up with her when we were newly weds with only hopes and dreams of what she would offer us. God gave her to us pretty randomly from our earthly perspective. We have no blood relation to her. We only knew one friend that knew of her that could introduce us. It was actually rough the first year or so. We had so many false expectations for her, I feel bad that we did that to her. She had so much to offer us and we only could her shortcomings. But we tried, we tried to get to know her at her core. We started concentrating on all her positive aspects and before we knew it, we started growing pretty fond of her. It wasn't so much her physical attractiveness or way with words that got us hooked, however, it was was her personality- almost like a diverse community lived within her that we enjoyed the most. She supported us when we needed to be uplifted. She made us laugh when things got way too serious. She taught us so much about life, faith, God, and the art of eating out.
It seems silly now to even think about how much we didn't like her at first. We are so familiar with her that we see her as an extension of us. We may not have picked her but God did, and for that we are thankful and will always remember her. From my sources, she is very ill and will enter the hospital this weekend. This means we will see her only a few more times before the eventual passing- maybe as little as two months. My hope and prayer is that she passes like Tupac. Suddenly so that the pain is not prolonged. But also mysteriously so that we never know if she is truly gone. Maybe Dallas will even put out new records or make secret visits long past their so-called passing away.
If that happens, the door will always stay open for a reunion of us with Dallas. I have been told by God not to count on it because she is supposedly dying and all. But whether that reunion is in this life or in the next, I have God and the many personalities that encompass Dallas to thank for an amazing time that we will never forget. God used Dallas in our lives in so many ways, we are indebted.

DALLAS T. AMERICA

May you rest in peace or wherever you will be

August 1, 2005- May 17, 2008

THE PUP, finally

2007-12-13T16:19:00.000-06:00

so my wife has been busy, so i thought i would step into her place and introduce you all to Mr. Miyagi, or Miyagi, or Yagi, or Yagster, or all the non-sensical names e. gives him when she is lovin' on him. We got him right at 8 weeks old and he initially loved getting sick, pooping in the office, eating sticks, and pooping in the office. Along with pooping in the office (don't worry, pros came into clean), yagi enjoys watching movies and taking long strolls on the sidewalk. Growing up in the city, he loves to interact with all the different types of people who find themselves in uptown. Being half shar-pei and half lab, the women go crazy for his wrinkles, which logically you would think would be a draw back. Now almost 6 months, he has mastered the art of holding his bladder, sitting, and making unreplicatable wimperings.

Ladies and Gents...Yagi.

wink, wink

Is It Cool In Here, Or Is It Just Me?

2007-09-12T09:34:00.000-05:00

I was walking through Hyde Park in Chicago (amazing area and home to Obama) with Dunkin Donuts in my left hand when two good buddies and I started talking. My friend, Ryan, brought up our intermural basketball league in college and how lame our Campus Crusade basketball team's name was, "Cross Court".

I then proceeded to tell Ryan about Christiancheese.com, a website many of you might be familiar with. As we talked, my other friend, Zach, spoke up just enough to bring up how uncomfortable (or at least to a degree) he is when Christians call out other believers not for faith issues, but for being uncool.

It brought about in me the whole "coolness" factor that is going around right now, almost like a cold. I have felt myself the last couple of years really start going the way of coolness. What I mean by that is, when it really comes down to it, I would rather interact with someone who is "cool" and weaker in faith than someone less hipster, less into my interpretation of good music, and stronger in faith. In some ways, I have let the surface stuff undermine the real and important stuff. Have my standards become fad?

what is "cool" anyway? i know that it changes, just look at pictures of chris linebarger in high school (chuckle, chuckle). And because it changes (frequently at that) I can say that it is fleeting, giving little reward after it's gone. I know that it has something to do with elitism as well, cool differentiates people and puts them in seperate groups. It decides where privilege should go. It leads the way and makes money for a whole lot of cool people. I also know that almost everybody dies trying to attain coolness. or maybe i am just projecting.

but to get back on topic, this coolness factor has really done some kind of work in the church. i must say, i do think Christians do some stupid stuff and every year I see more and more cheesy products come out on the market that somehow make money or even more ridiculously, try to increase faith.

with that said, i see myself making small jokes of believers who genuinely are expressing their faith. the source of the ridicule is how they carry themselves, what they decide not to do, what they consider humorous, or what acts they attribute to God's doing. Zach, my uncomfortable friend, really brought me down to earth a little bit. That was all that was needed for my conscience to be pricked. Those few, non-sentence forming words really got my spirit moving. is it me, or are churches really suffering from this coolness thing. its cool to go to certain churches and unpopular to attend the others. it's cool to listen to derek webb and unpopular to listen to the christian radio station that has those billboards with the white family playing in the park having way too much fun. (there i go again, making fun!) Where is the line that seperates idealistic, euro-centeric, capitalistic cheese from raw, biblical faith when idealistic, european americans in an entreupreneurial society head up most of the churches? When is it "cool" to push aside a false sense of being that looks all nice and good but really is just prideful privilege? And when is it "uncool" to do so in fear that you are bashing a fellow believer who has more or less faith than you?

I bring this up because i struggled with being cool for way too long. and i see myself creeping back into wanting that again, but this time it is from an unlikely source, christians. there is nothing wrong with being cool...as long as it doesn't trump the important stuff and it doesn't cause you to section other people off into fashionable=likable groups.

in my mind, derek webb and other cats like him have possibly created a little of this- in a VERY indirect way. i look at derek webb, donald miller, bono, etc. and they have so much to say, and they are doing things about it. they speak loudly but have actions that carry clean water to africans and food to the needy. yet their message falls on ears not as much eager to hear their message of love through action as it is the music and message of rebellion from the uncool and traditional generation of our parents moral jawings. or maybe i am just projecting.

i guess both friends were right. most of the time in these types of matters, we think in extremes. christians need to be able to conversate with people of other religions without wetting themselves or crying, but we must also not persecute Christ's Body of believers because they don't know what's hip or where the closest drinking establishment is. i hope this is all coherent because i know its not cogent. it is a lightly drawn line in christian culture and tough to maneuver around- or maybe i am just projecting.

James 2
"My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, 'Here's a good seat for you,' but say to the poor man, 'You stand there' or 'Sit on the floor by my feet,' have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and inherit the kingdom He promised those who love Him? But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of Him to who you belong? If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, 'Love your neighbor as yourself,' you are doing right. But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.
For He who said, 'Do not commit adultery,' also said, 'Do not murder.' If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker. Speak and act as those who are going to be judged b the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!"

the rev.

2007-08-23T19:30:00.000-05:00

(My partner and I with our new baby from Korea)

meet my pastor, the rev.

jon and charlene were the first people we met while we visited dallas. we were one week from our wedding and we were 600 miles south of all the craziness KC could take. we were there to see what CARES looked like. They were the four month vets who suprisingly had all of their stuff together. we talked to the rev.- he spoke of his trip to eastern europe and about canonization something-or-other (some seminary talk i hadn't heard yet). while we were pretty much going the way of joining CARES, they helped sell us on the whole uptown thing.

and once we got here, the rev. secretly planned a watered down version of his christian commune idea. he dropped little endearing stories of skillman bible church members that would make us think, or at least laugh. his plans came to fruition when his brother and sister-in-law came to CARES along with mike and rachel, and we all decided to take a sunday trip to skillman. i'm sure the elder kevers rejoiced and did some fist pumps. and shoot, maybe a tear was even shed. for his plan came to be.

but jon had to sit down and take notes when our Lord took out His own playbook. little did the rev. know, but the church that God allowed him to fall in love with (and who loved him back equally) was in need of a pastor. and after some waiting, unemployed jon became pastor jon, aka. the rev. God's plan had come to be. I am sure He did some rejoicing and a fist pump with the rest of the Trinity, however they would do such a thing (one big fist pump? or three?) shoot, maybe a tear was even shed. for His plan came to be.

congrats rev. you earned every bit of the pure grace bestowed on you.

on behalf of me and mine, we are excited.

Mrs. Inman (not my mom)

2007-06-14T14:24:00.000-05:00

To whom it may concern,

I don't know if you have met her, but her name is Erin- affectionately called e. I met her in high school and fell in love with this girl. Everything about her screamed creativity, humor, and beauty. with the initials of efg, she had me frozen with her way, her style, her culture. I sit in this chair writing about her, now eight years removed from our first date, loving her with more intensity than I knew possible at 16 years of age. Now a woman, I am amazed what God has done in and through her life. And I love that God has allowed me to share life with her. It is unexplainable how awesome it is to have my life completely integrated into hers. Her sense of humor has rubbed off on me. Her sense of style has rubbed off on me. Her creativity makes me smile. Her views make me think. Her faith makes me praise. Her love and respect are things I chase.

If you don't know her, she is a fighter. She has fought anxiety, depression, and extreme loss due to the death of her mother. She strived to keep her family glued together. She sustained a new faith in Christ with doubts, assumptions, and ugly looks from friends and family. She married me. She supports me in many ways- one of which is becoming coporate to put me through grad school. she is tough.

Yet, don't assume she has bulging biceps and a flat top. she is also a softy. She is a grown woman who can't hold her tongue when she sees a dog, "doggie!" It could be a decrepit old dog with three legs, she still finds them just as cute as the young pups. You say "Kansas City" and she melts. You say "Lakewood, CA" and she starts packing her bags. You say "Cares Team" or "Skillman" and her face crumbles. God put in her a heart that knows how to love.

As I interact with her more each day, God has really impressed upon me that I need to love her with everything I got. That everyday is a gift, not promised to us. I think about what it would be like for me if she died. In five years, what would I go through to see her face again, to touch her hand, to feel her hug. May I love e. today with the same intensity that I would miss her if she were gone from me tomorrow.

I can only thank God for her. He created her. He died for her. He graciously kept us together throughout our high school and college years. He united us in marriage. He did everything. Thank you, God.

So if you don't know her yet, my advice is to get to know her. She really is an amazing person with so many intangibles to offer. If you have met this fine filipina and would like, you can use the comment box and tell the blogging world what you like about her.

matt inman

p.s.- she yells and cheers more during romantic movies than i do at sporting events.

Pangea

2007-05-30T21:20:00.000-05:00

(From left to right) Ryan Oleary, Jared Byrne, Foreigner)

Pangea: "All the Earth" A term used to describe the earth's land masses being attached to one another, making one large continent, over 200 million years ago. This term is apart of the continental drift theory, it is also apart of my makeup evidently. I was given the title "pangea" in college due to my incredible knack of tricking people into believing I am from various ethnicities and continents.

The majority of the misleading started in high school, when girls that I knew well assumed that I was Puerto Rican, "or at least some kind of Hispanic." Also, a Filipina (just came to the U.S. only a year earlier) thought e. and i were siblings. She thought i was full blown flip!! Then in college it grew in to that of legends. I was teaching COLLEGE students about diversity and was talking on how it was wrong to assume. I asked them to name what they thought my ethnicity was (maybe thinking they would say something else but also assuming they were just going to shout out, "White"), their answers in order: Hispanic, Asian, Puerto Rican, Italian, Russian, I stopped them and revealed that I was an exotic and very rare English/German mix. people were shocked to know that i came from very white parents- needless to say I got my point across.

later that week my roomate's family was in town, about ten of them. we were all in our living room and that college teaching story came up. my roomate (ryan) asked his family to guess what ethnicity i was...mexican, central american, arminian, eastern european. once again we had to stop, i couldn't take going around the entire circle, i might laugh to death.

so there i am, at an african american church. i have been counseling this kid for months. a wonderful relationship, good working alliance. we get on the topic of race. i ask him how he feels about me being white in the middle of an all black environment- his counselor none the less. i would love to quote it for you, but for confidentiality purposes i will summarize. "hold up- you white!?!?" The ENTIRE time i have been COUNSELING this kid, he has thought i was african american with a "small amount of white" in me! Now, in middle school someone thought i was mixed, but not straight african american.

it amazes me that when i walk around, assuming that everyone sees me as i am, white, that it really isn't the case. while some (maybe the majority) do think i am white- those are not the ones that i end up meeting. It makes me think of how people perceive me when they first set eyes on me. I have really grown to embrace the pangea that i am. there are even times when I feel robbed when i can't sign up for minority scholarships. While i might feel a loss when it comes to lighter stuff like that, i think its ironic that God has put within me a heart that beats for diversity, unity within the church- a pangeic church if you will. Oh God, You and Your sense of humor.

Question of the Day: Did you think i was anything other than caucasian the first time you saw me?

man's weakness

2007-05-18T11:28:00.000-05:00

The last day or two I have been dealing with the fragility of man and the hopelessness that comes with it. I am still so amazed to see an intelligent, strong, grown man be brought to his weak knees by disease, destruction, and time. To be in such a condition that no pill or expensive technology can help- to know there is no other way- is hard.

At a time such as this, uncurable disease, irreversible trauma, and unstoppable time seems foreign. We can take a pill to make us feel better in so many ways (i.e. tylenol, zoloft, viagra). We can turn back the clock with creams and injectibles. But yet everyone succumbs to something that becomes more powerful than themselves at some point. No matter how healthy or how wealthy, we all will find ourselves in a situation where no one on earth can help. sinner or saint/sinner.

Mortality wins out everytime.

We grow muscle for it to turn to mush. We train our minds for them to be lost. This past year I have seen my grandmother take her last gasp of air, her body unable to work. I saw cancer ravage the body of a man and kill him in 6 months. I have come into contact with hurting friends who grieve over the drowning of a strong and good man, overtaken by waves. I have learned this past week of the Kever's friend who lost his life to cancer. A young pilot/outdoor adventurer one year, and the next, a sickly man unable to communicate with others. Death can be so harsh, so punishing, so impersonal.

C.S. Lewis was right when he wrote that upon gaining evidence for a supreme being- the intial evidence (general revelation) points to a God of wonder and beauty, but not necessarily to a God of love. Illogical, outrageous and horrifiic events happen every minute of every day to unsuspecting and innocent people. Death's sting is felt by everyone who lives any length of time on this earth. When life starts to make sense, something is bound to throw off your worldview. It is only by God's Word and incarnate sacrifice that we have assurance of Him being one of perfection, love, forgiveness, and grace.

The Bible calls man's life "not his own", one like a breeze that comes and goes. "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of the Lord stands forever." Its in the moments of reflection of life that I start asking questions. I wonder why we don't talk about death more often, especially as Christians. I know, like this entry, it's depressing. But, is death not as normal as birth? The interesting thing is that it is the most natural thing we do as a creation, yet, it is also the most unnatural thing we can do as humans made in the image of God. Honestly, we were not made to die. Adam failed and the human race fell. Through that man sin entered the picture and brought with it the consequence of it, death's sting. We were not made for the abrupt disconnect that death brings- no matter how temporal the time lapse between life and heaven! The most unnatural and natural thing. That's why we go around pretending its not there, even when we are told that "to live is Christ and to die is gain"? That's why some will write this entry off because it's too morbid, too emotional, too depressing, too real.

I understand that I probably go too far with this, but I guess I feel that not only do we have to live a life that appreciates eternity, but we also have to live one in light of mortality. It makes us love a little deeper, hug our spouse a little longer, love a little wider. It makes us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for it is only Christ who is worthy, willing, and capable of keeping His wonderful promises that defeat death and bring new life.

young at Age

2007-03-26T12:12:00.000-05:00

Pre-practicum, I was going to write an entry on my age. Yes, my age. I was struggling hard core with being so young in such a grown up environment. e. and I had come from Mizzou, a place where we were the older ones, a place where we had the wisdom and experience. Then marriage and a move happened- we were thrown into the corporate and seminary/ministry worlds. People just assumed that I was 30 or so because I was married- not a bad assumption I guess since the average American ties the knot at 28 these days (exclude evangelicals from those numbers). I found myself surrounded by smarter, older, more Godly people who I was supposed to interact with/befriend/learn from/teach/counsel.

But as I have started seeing clients, the intimidation factor in my life has gone down. Maybe b/c I see that all ages have the same problems and need the same help. I am starting to be able to articulate myself with a little more ease. I am worrying less and less, "do they really know how young I am?" I am realizing that God gives wisdom out, not just life. Life tends to give you this subjective stuff that is hard to generalize outside your own inner world. It is so great to hold on to at least some absolute truths in a post-modern world where nothing is solid- nothing is sure.

God has me on His track. I should not be ashamed of His chosen route. To shy away and retreat to a place where I feel more competent halts growth, promotes self, and it just too darn comfortable for what God wants for me. So if you see me in the corner sucking my thumb and in the fetal position, I am just doing some self-soothing and will be with you in a minute.

Are there any situations that make you feel about as old as I was in this picture?

February 23

2007-02-28T18:16:00.000-06:00

On February 23, 1998- I lost my mother-in-law, Felicitas Guevara. It was a sudden, traumatic event. One that I don't remember at all. Not because I have repressed it, not because I have moved on in life, but because I have never met her. I have been thinking lately about how this specific date perplexes me.

the reminder is heavy now- March 6th- Fe's birthday.

It is a weird situation to have never known your second mother. To interact and intimately know her child, to be ONE with her child, yet never have seen her walk or smile. To call her family my family, yet never have heard her talk or laugh. Crap, I drive/own her CRV. I am so close to everything that was important to her, yet not close to her. I don't know how to react when I see family pictures and see her- she is a foreigner to me. My eyes stay fixed on her. Studying her every fearture- something that I feel everyone else wants to do but doesn't.

But as I look through those pictures more and more, and I see Erin and Alex navigate through life, I gain a better picture of who she was. She becomes more familar to me. She becomes my mom. The woman who has shown my wife how to act in public, how to brush her teeth in a circular motion, and how to make amazing pancakes. The most basic things in life, the ones that I enjoy experiencing the most with erin, mom taught her.

God has been so good to Erin. Her mother died nine years ago. I came into her life only six months after her mother's death. As one prominent figure in her life left, God filled that void with another, me. He doesn't always do that. And my presence certainly doesn't cover up pain or lonliness that e. has experienced. But I am so glad that God put me in this place. I am beginning to see the fruits of His work. How He drew Erin and myself to Him, to know Him, our Salvation. How he answered our prayer of Dad (Jim) meeting another woman, he married in 2002. How my own mother wants so much to be a great mom to e. How He has made me realize that God is not a santa in the sky - only giving us what we want because we deserve it. Light can illuminate an otherwise utterly dark path. He shown me the pain of life and also the goodness of Himself. I respect e. so much for what she has gone through. She lost her mother. and the more I grow with e, the more I realize that I lost my mother too.

To quote good ole Chaplin Bill:
"Life sucks but God is good, life really sucks but God is really good.

happily ever after

2007-01-14T20:11:00.000-06:00

i was told by my supervisor that there are generally two kinds of people: those who looks to the past and deals with guilt or the those who looks to the future and struggles with worry. both types do what they do so they can avoid the present- where their attention should be. I am definitely a worrier. i am always anticipating worse case scenario and planning accordingly. that, or i place all the responsibility of a perfect future onto my shoulders which leads to idealistic desires and close to postal freak out sessions. I look to the future because I can plan that. I can convince myself that I can be in control of it- opposed to the unpredictable present.
I had a friend tell me that life for the Christian is like a football game. at half time you are in the locker room getting the crap kicked out of you and the coach comes in and 100% guarantees that you will win the game. how would you go out and play in the second half? my answer- like a madman. even if i my neck gets snapped, i will still get to experience the exiliration of the win. translation in all of that, is that I have been promised some amazing things from God, yet I am still going out and living life like I don't know the outcome, like I don't know who and what wins in the end.

it's good to know that my worse case scenario is pretty, well, amazing.

i am a worrier, but what are you? i would love to hear what era you spend the most time in.

Hyprocrisy

2006-11-16T18:40:00.000-06:00

The world has been brought closer to Christendom these past few weeks. I don't know of many more scenarios that could bring more negative attention to the Christian church than the suprising sins of Ted Haggard. The world has been brought face to face with blantant hyprocrisy from another Christian leader. This time, the pastor of a 14,000 member church has draped himself in homosexuality, drug use, and false witness. Many would not be as outraged if he wasn't one of the most influential and respected evangelical leaders that verbally opposed some of those same sins. Hypocrisy? Yes.

I have seen many lash out at Ted Haggard because of his double-mindedness. That bothers me somewhat because it's very easy to have a backseat morality. By that I mean, not claiming a significant moral compass of your own (except "openness" or "do no harm") yet judging and calling out anyone who is trying to live up to the high standards of their God and subsequently failing. There has always been a gap between God's perfection and His people's imperfection. Pastors, seminarians, and Christians have every facet of their lives wrapped up in "morality". To act on a temptation, to fall into an addiction, just one bad decision, and the personal and professional aspects come tumbling down. So to me, it is easy to have backseat morality because it positions you into the perfect place to rebuke, yet leaves you little to no room for error or hypocrisy on your end.

Many non-Christians in particular are using this unfortunate incident as underlying evidence and proof of the impotence of the Christian faith and church. They have all caught a glimpse of the many ways Christians continually miss their Maker's mark. The world has seen very colorfully the situations in which man and God do not meet up in action or purpose. At some level, hypocrisy is built into the faith. I hold to a perfect God and a pure faith, yet I myself can only strive after perfection- I cannot attain it. So for the Christian, they can believe the things God declares and even preach them knowing it is truth, but that doesn't mean it will always be fully congruent with their life.

Although Tedd Haggard committed the sins and then lied about it, he finally admitted to it all. His response seemed genuine. He mentioned struggling with a dark side of himself. He mentioned that his church lovingly and appropriately made him step down in ministry. It is apparent that he was fearing being caught, being found out for who he truly is, dark side and all. But in that vulnerable exposure, the same Gospel that he preached for years comes into illumination for us all. The condition of many Christians and churches is to hide all signs of sin and pretend that we are not sinful people who live in a fallen world. If we did acknowledge that, we would be forced to confront the suffering that goes on in us and others. To give off the idea that we are good enough people and not in desperate need of God's love, grace and repentance, is to believe that the Gospel isn't necessary. God died to save all, that means sinful Billy Graham, Chuck Swindoll, and yes, even Pat Robertson. If anyone comes off as if they don't need the blood of Christ on the day they meet the Maker, their pride and unbelief will be thier downfall. Yet, when we acknowledge our dependence on Christ's sacrifice, it does not matter the sin, God is faithful in forgiving. To be fully known, fully accepted, fully forgiven, and on the way to being fully transformed- that is where true freedom resides. This mega church pastor screwed up royally, but he can still know that it is not his actions that dictate salvation, but it is the Lord's. God's faithfulness is much more powerful than Ted Haggard's unfaithfulness.

For Starters

2006-11-07T16:22:00.000-06:00

This blog is an outlet for the many thoughts that run in and out of my head on a regular basis. I am getting my M.A. in Biblical Counseling, so many of my ideas that flow from ear to ear deal with integrating pscyhology, theology, and my own faith into a cohesive whole. While my entries are not limited to such ideas, I will try to have them relate in some way to one indiviudally or to the three collectively.